2009

Alex: Feel it.
Ly: I don’t want to feel it.
Alex: Just feel it.
Ly: *shakes head* I don’t want to feel it.
Alex: Just fucking feel it.
Ly: I don’t WANT to feel it!
Alex: FEEL IT!
Ly: No!
Alex: Just feel the damn splinter already!
Ly: *feels the splinter* Ew.

***

James: Hey, here… *hands something to Alex.*
Alex: *blinks*
Ly: James, he thinks you’re drunk.
James: I’m not hitting on you, are I?
Alex: *shuts the door*
James: That’s my fuckin’ foot prick!

***

James: I got your nose. *Pinches Nicole’s nose*
Nicole: No you don’t, dummy. It’s right here! *touches her nose*

2007-2008

Gramma B: What's Nicole's pull-up say?
Lyonene: Huh?
Gramma B: On the back of her pull-up, it says something.
Lyonene: Nicole, turn around honey. *looks* It says up... Pull-Up. WTF??? It says PULL-UP on her ass!

***

Alexander: I was flying down the street-
Gramma B: *interrupts* Flying?
Alexander: Yeah, flying.
Lyonene: Apparently he wore his Superman underroos today.
Gramma B: *bursts out laughing* Underroos?
Alexander: Shut up. *laughing*
Lyonene: My bad, he likes Batman.
Alexander: Actually, I prefer Flash Gordon.
Lyonene: Dude... *blinks* You want FLASH on your underwear?

***

Lyonene: My Uncle Alex. *smiles down at her two year old daughter*
Nicole: Ain't my Alex.
Alexander: *runs over to tickle Nicole* You little brat!
Nicole: *looks at Alex* Bitch!

***

Alexander: *nibbles on Silvia*
Gramma B: What are you Alex? A vampire?
Lyonene: No, vampires don't have gingivitus.

***

Alexander: Wanna fight?
Lyonene: *thinks about it* That depends, can I win?
Alexander: *spits out his Cherry Coke, laughing*

***

Alexander: Sweet God!
Lyonene: Sweet God? Now there's a contradiction in terms.
Alexander: No... I am God. I am sweet. *holds out his arm* Lick me.

2006-2004

Lyonene: Come on Ali, let's see what you got. *raises fists*
Friend: *approaches, grinning*
Lyonene: Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee. *bounces on feet* Floats like an elephant, hits like a girl.
Friend: I'm going to kick you in the c*nt. *looks confused/humiliated*

***

Friend: Man, I was smoking a cigarette backwards and it burned me.
Lyonene: Did it cum??
Friend: Well the cherry popped off...

***

Alexander: Harsh, too harsh...
Lyonene: No harsh is when I bring your mother into it.
Alexander: That's harsh! *pauses* Hey, she's your mom too!
Lyonene: Oh yeah...

***

Alexander: You want me to lie?
Lyonene: You never told the truth before, why start now?
Alexander: Touche...

***

Grandma Blackheart: You're going to stare me down?
Alexander: *stares*
Grandma Blackheart: *laughs as Alexander goes to the kitchen* You're as nutty as a fruitcake.
Alexander: Nutty as a fruitcake. Nutty as your mother...

***

Alexander: Bite me!
Grandma Blackheart: *bites him*
Alexander: No! No! No! I said bite not gum!

***

Momma Blackheart: Did you get some last night?
Lyonene: Now what kind of question is that to ask your daughter? *pauses* Of course I got some...

***

Grandma Blackheart: I'm happy.
Lyonene: If you're happy, I'm happy. If you don't walk around naked, I'm even better.
Grandma Blackheart: What?!?

***

Alexander: Did you know kids in the third grade are taking advanced Algebra?
Lyonene: Really?
Alexander: It's not fair damn it! I didn't even get through Pre-Algebra!
Lyonene: So?
Alexander: I can still beat them at geography!
Lyonene: Alex, you're competing with third graders. *stares at him* You're lame.
Alexander: *hangs head* I know.