The phone rang, making the enormous man in the bed groan, and poke his head out from the sheets. He blinked blearily around, looking outside. It was still dark.

‘What the fuck…’ Mark Calaway thought, looking at the phone. He then looked at the clock, which read 4:04. It then flashed 4:05.

Growling, he reached out for the phone receiver, and answered it.

“Somebody better be dead”, he grunted, his voice gruff with sleep.

He was instantly met with an eardrum bursting amount of noise, making him jump, holding the phone away from his ear.

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARK!!!!’ three voices bellowed.

When the noise was sufficiently ceased, he put the phone to his ear again. “You three assholes couldn’t have waited until a more godly hour ta do that??” Mark growled.

“Aww, but we wanted to wish our bestest buddy in the world a happy birthday”, John Cena said sweetly.

“Yea, it’s not every day somebody hits the big 4-3”, Randy Orton said amusedly.

“Happy Birthday, Daddy, Happy Birthday!!!” Glen Jacobs yelled, laughing.

Mark pinched the bridge of his nose. Oh yea, this was going to be a wonderful day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hours later, Mark was making his way carefully through the hallways, peeking around corners, making sure that no one was there. He was sweating and panting, wiping said sweat from his brow. He’d been running all damned afternoon, and from the looks of it, it wasn’t going to stop anytime soon.

Sometimes, he fucking HATED his birthday.

It started with that wake up call…at four in the goddamned morning from the little shitheads named John Cena and Randy Orton, and the big shithead named Glen Jacobs. Of course, those three were properly…chastised…for their lapse in judgment.

He froze when he heard it.

Running feet.

‘Maybe if I don’t breathe, they won’t find me’, he thought desperately.

But, his luck would abandon him, as a group of people rounded the corner. He paled when he saw about 95% of the WWE Divas were in a huge group. All of them were holding cans of chocolate frosting, and butter knives.

“There he is!! GET HIM!!!!” Mickie James, the mastermind of the entire idea, yelled, pointing at him with the butter knife in her hand.

“Fuck”, Mark muttered, before turning tail and hauling ass as fast as his long legs could take him. Maybe, if he could make it to his dressing room…

The girls were all chasing after him, clamoring for him to ‘be a good birthday cake and get himself frosted’.

“Oh come on, Mark, it’s not that bad!!” Melina laughed as she ran. “You’re delicious enough to get covered in frosting!!”

“Better not let Michelle hear that”, Victoria snickered.

“That hoochie? Girl, please!!” Melina snorted.

Somewhere, in the very back of his mind, where nobody would be privy to, he had a fleeting thought of ‘Why not? It might be fun…’ But he dismissed it, because if he’d agreed to it now, there’s no telling what humiliations the Divas could cook up for him. On the upside,

Michelle had gone home for a family event.

‘Good Lord, I don’t want to know what she’d think up…’ he thought, shuddering inwardly.

Now, he could consider himself a pretty experimental guy, but there was no way in HELL that he was going to allow himself to be gang piled by fifteen females. That might be a regular man’s wet dream, but he wasn’t a regular guy.

He managed to run into the area where the fans were. He managed to sneak in, unnoticed, which was a miracle in itself, and crouched down, and pulled to women in front of him.

“Hide me”, he hissed.

The two women blinked and looked at each other, wondering what the hell was going on.

Mark dared not breathe as the Divas ran by, as he covertly got a few other people to crowd around, pretending they all wanted Edge merchandise, convinced they wouldn’t find him here.

“Why would anyone want Edge merchandise??” Maria said, rolling her eyes as the Divas ran by and disappeared around the corner.

Mark sighed, standing to his full height, giving autographs and pictures and the like for helping him hide. When he got to the two women he originally grabbed, his eyes widened a little, and blinked.

“Ariel T-Shirt”, he blurted out.

It was the two women that he’d gotten to the stage to help him strip during the charity event that time.

“Oh…uh…hey”, Jenessa said, her face turning purple. That memory never left her head, no matter how much she tried to concentrate on important things.

“Hey”, Full Figure, Sel, said, waving cheerfully and grinning. “Looks like you owe us two instead of one.” She started to laugh.

“Yea, I guess”, he chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

They got autographs, and actually chatted for a little while. Poor Ariel T-Shirt was still so mortified that she didn’t talk much.

“What were they chasing you for?” Jenessa asked, peering up at him curiously.

Mark sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Are ya sure you wanna know?”

Sel nodded enthusiastically. “What, were they trying to like tie you to a chair and ‘reprogram’ you or something? Maybe turn you into a…” Her voice did her best ‘Arnold’ impersonation. “Little Girlie Man?”

Mark couldn’t help it. He threw back his head and started laughing. “Naw, not that”, he said. He stopped laughing after a little bit, and sighed. “Since today’s my birthday, they decided that instead of bakin’ one, that I’d make a better birthday cake. They’ve been chasin’ after me since late this morning with cans of chocolate frostin’.”

Sel looked up at him blankly for a moment, before putting her hands to her temples. She seemed to be straining.

“Ya okay?” Mark asked concernedly, peering at her.

“Must…contain…naughty…thoughts…” Sel strained, making Jenessa giggle.

Mark sighed. “I keep tellin’ people that I ain’t all that much to…look…at…” he trailed off when he saw Jenessa gaping.

“You CAN’T be serious!!” she gaped.

Sel’s head automatically whipped up to look at him with wide eyes. “You’ve GOT to be shitting me!!” she yelped. “You’re like…big, got great eyes, and STREAMLINED and shit!!”

Mark’s face reddened in a rare flush. “Thanks”, he mumbled.

He was about to say more when the Divas rounded the corner again, and made a beeline for him.

“Shit, gotta go!!” Mark said, running as fast as his legs could take him.

Candice stopped, spotting the two girls he was talking to. She recognized them from the Charity Event, and dug into a bag she was carrying and wordlessly handed the two cans of frosting, and butter knives. “Join us”, she said. She then ran off.

Sel and Jenessa looked at each other, and a split second later, they were sprinting off along with the Divas.

“MAKE WAY FOR THE FAT CHICK!!!!!” Sel screeched.

Mark kept running, and looked back once. He saw the two girls with the Divas, and groaned. “Fuck, not you two too!! I thought you were on my side!!”

“Nothing personal, Tall Dark and Sexy”, Sel said, grinning. “But, if you think about it, they do have a point…”

Mark kept running until, to his horror, he met a dead end, and the girls came around the corner. He turned, his back to the wall. “Now, c’mon, ladies, be reasonable…I ain’t a damned pastry…”

“But yummy enough to be considered one!!” Sel crowed from the back, having to jump up and down to be noticed. “Man, what I wouldn’t give to get my hands on that-” She was going to say more, but Jenessa covered her mouth.

“If you say the word ‘strudel’ even ONCE, I’m going to throw you out the window”, Jenessa said.

Sel’s shoulders slumped. Were Jenessa’s hand not covering her mouth, everyone would see an unmistakable pout.

The Divas were all giggling uncontrollably, while Mark face palmed. Mark’s mind worked quickly, and an altogether devilish idea entered his head.

“Okay, I’ll let ya frost me…” he purred. “Under one condition.”

The Divas perked.

He folded his arms. “Only two of ya can.”

They promptly deflated.

“Only two?” Mickie pouted.

Mark nodded. “Only two.”

The Divas began to all clamor and yell amongst themselves on who would ‘get the honors.

“SHADDAP, ALL O’YA!!!!” Mark bellowed.

The Divas promptly fell silent.

“I git to pick the lucky two”, Mark said, smirking.

The Divas all smiled sweetly, and preened as Mark rubbed his chin, slowly stalking a circle around them. Of course, this was all a sort of ‘Birthday Hazing’ thing that the Divas did…they never went too far with it or anything like that. And so, with that in mind, he decided to take the wind out of their sails.

“These two”, he said suddenly, grabbing both Sel and Jenessa by the arm and dragging them next to him.

At first, Sel laughed. “C’mon, seriously, who is it?” She looked up at him and gulped as he stared down at her, his face a stone mask. “Holy shit, you’re serious…I mean really really REAL serious!!”

Mark nodded; slowly and deliberately.

Jenessa sputtered, gaping up at him, having no idea what to say. “F-frosting…Mark….Frosting Mark…” Her eyes rolled in the back of her head, and she promptly fainted.

“Not again”, Sel sighed, catching her before she can hit the floor. She got the smelling salts she carried to every event that she and Jenessa went, just in case, and waved them under her nose. This was the second time she’d ever had to use them.

“Sel…I had the most wonderful dream”, Jenessa groaned happily. “I had a dream that we got chosen to frost Mark like a birthday cake…Mmmmmmmmm…Mark birthday cake…”

“Open your eyes and enjoy it a little longer, J”, Sel said amusedly. “It’s not a dream.”

“WHAT?!?” Jenessa yelped, shooting straight up, looking around, and finally, up at Mark. She then buried her head in her hands, her face purple in mortification. “Oh God…please open the earth and swallow me whole…”

Sel laughed and helped her up. “Girl, come on, it’s a dream come true!! You get to frost the Deadman Birthday Cake!!”

Mark couldn’t help but chuckle deeply.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Everybody in the cafeteria was greeted to a most amusing sight. Mark Calaway was sitting smack dab in the middle of it. He’d removed his shirt, and was now bare from the waist up. The Divas were currently sitting at a table off to his right, while two women who looked vaguely familiar were standing there near him with cans of chocolate frosting and butter knives in their hands.

“What’s going on?” Orton asked, blinking when he walked in.

“Deadman Birthday Cake”, Mickie said, cackling devilishly.

“Uh…Do we really want to know the details?” John asked warily.

Victoria gleefully relayed the ingenious plan, making John gape.

“And you guys never thought to do that for my birthday?? Huh, I feel slighted!!” John huffed.

The Divas began laughing. “Sorry, Johnny Boy”, Maria said, giggling. “This man’s like fine wine: He gets a WHOLE lot better with age. And, sadly, you haven’t aged yet. You’re a baby wine.”

John grumbled, making the Divas laugh more.

“Well”, Mark said amusedly, looking at the two nearest him. “The cake awaits.” He raised his arms, spread eagled.

Jenessa’s hands were trembling wildly as she opened her can of frosting, but that was nothing compared to the rest of her body. She dropped her butter knife three times because her fingers were shaking too much.

Sel was dazed as she had the open can of frosting in one hand, and her butter knife in the other. “I didn’t think you guys were serious serious…I thought this was like a joke…”

Mark raised a lascivious eyebrow at the two of them. “Ya git ta learn that about how we do things around here. It gits a bit…intense”, he purred.

Jenessa promptly dropped her can of frosting. “Fuck”, she muttered, swooping to pick it up.

“We can only wish”, Sel sighed playfully, giggling at the raised eyebrow that Mark sent her. “What? Oh, like no Diva here hasn’t thought of it at least once.”

Then, Mark saw an interesting phenomenon. Every Diva in the room bowed their head, and blushed.

“Ha. See?” Sel said triumphantly.

“Okay”, Jenessa said, having regained her bearings. “Now, is this going to be a ‘Just from the waist up’ thing, or is this a ‘Full Body’ thing?”

At that question, it was Sel’s turn to promptly drop her can of frosting.

“Full…body…” Sel squeaked faintly, sinking into a chair heavily. “God, I don’t think I’d be able to take full body….”

Mark couldn’t help but chuckle. “Would ya prefer it if it were full body?” he purred huskily, waggling his eyebrows playfully.

Now, it was Sel’s turn to faint.

Giggling, Jenessa helped her up and used her own smelling salts to wake her up.

“God, now that was a dream”, Sel sighed happily.

“Nope, not a dream”, Jenessa giggled, helping her to her feet.

Sel looked at Mark, and sighed happily again. “Oh, even better, it’s reality!!”

Many of the ones who were now in the cafeteria were watching with much amusement.

“Well…let the frostin’ begin”, Mark chuckled.

“Wait!!” Sel said. There are to be a few…rules.”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Now, this fine art here”, Sel said, gesturing to his tattoos, “It would be a sin to cover them up. So, no covering of the tattoos.” She looked over to Jenessa. “Girl Law?”

Jenessa nodded. “Girl Law.” The two clinked their frosting cans in a toast.

“Well there is one ya can cover…” Mark said, raising an eyebrow.

“Okay, I can understand that”, Sel said, nodding. “So, we cover one tattoo.”

Jenessa nodded again. “Another Girl Law.”

To this, they clinked frosting cans again.

“Ooh, do me next, do me next!!” Cena said, hopping from foot to foot.

“Sorry, sweetie, you gotta wait for your birthday to get frosted”, Melina said, giggling and patting his shoulder.

John pouted.

“I’ll frost you next, sweetie, how’s that?” Jenessa said sweetly, batting her eyelashes playfully at him.

“Hot damn!!” John shouted, bounding into a chair to wait his turn.

“Now now, Jonathan, no squirming in your seat, or no frosting for you”, Jenessa said, waggling her finger at him, making him still.

“Sorry, Cena”, Mark said, smirking at him. He promptly stood, and dropped his jeans, making everybody gape at him, as…well…he wasn’t wearing boxers. “She’s gonna be frostin’ me. They both will.”

Sel promptly buried her head in her hands. “My tender sensibilities…They can’t take it!!!”

Jenessa’s mouth opened and closed, but couldn’t say a single word, squeaking noises coming from her throat. Seriously, what could one say to the fact that a man that she’d been lusting after (a girl can dream, after all) suddenly dropped his pants, and was now bare to the world right in front of her??

Randy promptly shrieked, his hands over his eyes. “My eyeeeeeeeeees!!!!” he shrieked.

“Git outta the kitchen if ya can’t take the heat, Orton”, Mark said amusedly, smirking at him. He then looked to the dumbstruck Sel and Jenessa. “Well? Let’s get it on.”

Sel, having recovered herself, very resolutely not looking at his crotch area, because, let’s face it, she’d drop dead if she looked directly at it, and swiped a dollop of frosting on the butter knife. She pointedly looked up at his face. “Where would you like to start?”

“Anywhere ya want, darlin’”, he murmured amusedly.

Without a single word, Jenessa swiped a dollop, and immediately went for his neck, covering up the faint tattoo, and started working her way down his chest.

And so it began. Both Jenessa and Sel began spreading the frosting on his skin, Sel lending him a hairpiece to keep his hair up and back out of their way. The two, with great relish, started to frost his back, ever mindful to keep the tattoos uncovered.

“Careful”, Mark grunted, jumping a bit, his stomach clenching as they frosted around his BSK Pride tattoo. “I’m…” He coughed. “I’m kinda…”

“’Kinda’ what?” Sel asked, raising an eyebrow.

Mark coughed again. “Kinda…”

Sel blinked at him, starting to smirk. “Jenessa…I think he’s…ticklish.” As an experiment, she prodded at the bare skin where his tattoo was, making him jump. “Oh my God, he is ticklish!!”

Mark growled down at her, making her giggle.

It was an unspoken agreement between the two that neither of them would be able to even look at his crotch without dropping dead, so they gave it a wide berth. They made their way down his muscular legs until they got to his ankles.

So there he was, in all his naked glory, his massive body covered in frosting, only his tattoos, crotch, face and feet unfrosted. The Divas began applauding and cheering and whistling.

Chris Irvine, also known as Chris Jericho, serenely walked up, and held a poster board roughly the size of a small tabletop, and held it in front of Mark’s crotch, the sign reading ‘Censored’.

“Hey, somebody’s gotta pick up the slack while Jeff is gone”, Chris said, shrugging.

Vince, who’d been looking for Mark, walked into the cafeteria. Upon seeing the frosting covered Mark, he stopped, blinked, and turned right around, and walked out. What he had to talk to him about could wait.

Mark turned, looking thoughtful. It felt…different. But…not in a bad way. He turned to the door, his eyes widening at what he saw.

“Momma??” he gasped.

Estelle, who the guys had flown in for his birthday, was gaping at her son. “Marcus…why are ya covered in frosting??” she gaped, her eyes wide.

“Uh…pfft…er…” Mark muttered, his face flushing.

“Well? I’m waiting”, Estelle said, putting her fists on her hips. “I deserve a damned good explanation!!”

“Well, ma’am, it’s like this”, Sel said sheepishly, stepping forward timidly. “Mark here bet that Bing Crosby played the lead in ‘The Court Jester’, and I bet against him. He lost, and…well…you can see the result.”

Estelle gaped at him. “Bing Crosby???” she gasped. “Boy, haven’t I taught ya better than that?!?”

“Yes, Momma”, he mumbled.

Estelle pointed down the hallway. “Now ya march yer chocolate covered behind into a shower and wash all that off!!” she ordered.

Mark began to shuffle away. As he did, Sel started to whimper and mumble, starting to stand and go after him, but Jenessa pulled her back.

“Such a waste”, Sel whimpered. “I thought we were gonna be able to…”

“I know”, Jenessa sniffed playfully.

“A waste, I tell you!! There are children starving in China, dammit!!” Sel grumped.

“Don’t you mean Africa?” John asked.

“Whatever”, Sel grumped, folding her arms.

They dumped the empty frosting canisters, all twelve of them, and went to wash their hands.

“Couldn’t we at least get a PICTURE of us licking a little off?? I’d frame it and everything….” Sel whined. She was cowed, however, when Estelle glared at her.

Mark came back a little while later, freshly showered and dressed, making Sel pout and Jenessa grin sadly.

“Aww, Darlins’, don’t be like that”, he said, coming up to them and patting their heads. “Ya got ta frost me.”

“True”, Sel grumbled.

He went to his mother and pulled up a chair for her, the woman grumbling something that sounded like ‘cesspool’.

“Momma, I lost a bet, it ain’t mass copulatin’”, Mark sighed.

“Don’tcha be backtalkin’ me, boy!!” Estelle said, thwapping the back of his head.

“Yes, Momma”, Mark sighed.

“Such a good boy”, Estelle sighed, patting her son’s knee.

Both Sel and Jenessa looked at each other, raising an eyebrow at each other as if to ask ‘Mark…a momma’s boy?!”

Sel couldn’t help but giggle. It was…cute.

Jenessa, however, just folded her arms. The woman had deprived them of a very happy chocolaty experience, and she was very perturbed by it. “Waste of chocolate”, she grumbled, put out.

“You ain’t kiddin’”, Sel mumbled back, making the Divas around them giggle.

The pyros outside made everybody jump a bit.

“The show’s starting”, Sel sighed, standing up. “We’re gonna go get our seats.”

Everybody waved cheerfully, with Mark winking cheekily at them as they left. Sel laughed, while Jenessa followed her, still mightily perturbed.

“I can’t believe she deprived us”, Jenessa growled as she sat in her seat. “I oughtta…”

Sel patted Jenessa’s hand. “It’s okay, sweetie.” She did the shifty eyes, and leaned to whisper in her ear. “Did you see the size of it?!?!”

Jenessa shuddered happily in remembrance. “Oh yea”, she sighed serenely. “That man is HUNG.”

“My ass is havin’ sweet dreams tonight”, Sel giggled.

The night went on, both women going wild when Taker had his match, and cheering on their other favorites. When the night was over, a security guard came up to them, both with manila envelopes that read ‘Do Not Open Until You Get Home’. Without a word, the guard walked off.

“What’s this?” Jenessa asked.

“I...don’t know”, Sel said, peering at the envelope. They got to their car in the parking lot, until Sel got impatient. “I have to see what’s in it.” She opened the envelope, and pulled out something. Her eyes bugged out of her head, sputtering as she pointed.

Jenessa blinked at her. “What is it?”

Wordlessly, Sel babbled, pointing at what was in her hands.

Jenessa blinked again, and came over, looking at it. She gaped, and tore into her own envelope, and gaped some more.

There was a picture of Mark, covered with the chocolate frosting, the man having a devilish grin on his face. And, the ‘Censored’ sign was blissfully absent.

Meanwhile, Mark was going out to his rental, intent on getting some much needed sleep when he heard it.

“HOLY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST ON A CRUTCH!!!!!”

Mark smirked. ‘They musta looked at the pictures. I owe ya one, Tom’, he thought to himself, chuckling as he climbed into his rental, and drove off.